i have been separated for a quite a while now and it was one of the most liberating decisions i made in my life. it was one impulsive decision that left my friends and family clueless. my brothers and sisters, including my parents, upon learning that we separated, began to ask ‘why?’ but i didn’t give any definitive answer. doing so would only put my ex-wife in a bad light. although my dad had an inkling, i never confirmed anything.
no, there was no third party involved. it was more of a falling-out thing. we simply grew apart while we were together. we no longer knew each other anymore and we were no longer having sex, which i had to find somewhere.
there were no fights, at least major ones. it was very rare that we actually fight.
the kids were the most affected. all of them cried their hearts out and it was very hard to explain why we had to separate because they were oblivious to what was actually going on. my middle kid was the most difficult as she didn’t talk to me for days. i told them how sorry i was that we really had to separate, and that their mom and I still love them so much.
they were so affected that the school administrator have arranged for a meeting between me and the ex-wife to try and patch things up because our eldest was having trouble with her relationships with her classmates, friends and teachers. the very quiet girl became even more quiet and stopped talking to her friends. she wrote things in a piece of paper that was so full of hate and condemned almost everything and everyone in school.
it was a bad breakup. i still don’t talk to my ex up to now and i have no other feeling for her except aversion, resentment, disgust and scorn. whatever issue that needs to be conveyed are usually all coursed through the kids. she sends some text messages sometimes to remind me of their weekly allowance and this irritates me. whenever i get a text message from her, i feel so annoyed and agitated.
now, the kids stay with me during weekends and we play a lot. they are now used to the idea that they now have two homes now. though sometimes, during the drive to and from their two homes, i can’t help but think about how hard this must be for them. the separation forced them to an early maturity. when we talk, i can sense that somehow, their childhood would be different. they have responsibilities now that somehow shouldn’t be put upon their shoulders.
they will be teenagers soon and now i am afraid of what will become of them when they grow up. will they resent me? how will they deal with their own relationships? will they become stronger? will they become indifferent? how will they assert their independence? i am only sure of one thing: i will be there for them when they need me. i am their father, i can only guide them and hope that they make the right choices for themselves.
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